This is all bullshit. All of it. I keep seeing myself walking into school, blowing everyone the fuck away with a gun, and then shooting myself. I'm so over stressed right now it's not even funny. My brother is being a whiner -and he knows how much I hate that- and I'm losing touch with reality. I keep thinking this is all a dream, but I know damn well it's not. This pain inside...it's fucking killing me. There are not cuts on my arms only because I refuse to be thrown into a mental institution. I have so much pain right now it's not even funny. Constant battles with myself mentally...combined with the insane urge to kill those around me...I hate it all.

I've become numb, cold. Hateful. People at school have called me a fat bitch, a walrus... so tell me. Why should I eat? I think I'll lose a bit of weight. A month of no food and I should be down, right? So that'll work. But I bet even then I'll be a fat and ugly bitch. WHen I look in the mirror, I want to shoot it. I hate how I look. My fat gut hangs out everywhere...and there's no point in even looking anymore. My insomnia is worse then so many other times...and my nightmares are back. Just fucking end it, please! I can't take this any more! So many years I have put up with the abuse...I can't make it go away anymore.

At home I am battered by comments by my brother and my stepfather. Stupid. Ugly. Fatass. Dyke. So many comments...can't they see what it's doing to me? I just want to cut everything out of me. I can see the image of myself, screaming as the knife drops, guts falling, falling. It's driving me insane. I want to kill myself. Can't I make this all go away? I want to just fucking end it all... And I can't escape at school, either. People all around me, looking at me, talking behind my back...I hate them all. The way they look, the way they snicker...it's all too much. To them, I am an aloof and cold bitch who glares at anyone who touches her. To those few who know me...I do not know what I am.

Is this why my girlfriend left me? Because I'm a pathetic, ugly and fat piece of shit? Fuck it. No more eating. No more living. I won't kill myself just yet, but I'm not going to let myself enjoy my life when it's consistently this hellish. God just please strike me down. I can't take this anymore.